To try or not to try
I'll be honest. After losing 3 babies in the past 3 years, it is hard to stay positive. To keep wanting to try again. To put yourself in the situation where you could be heartbroken again and again.
The decision to try for a baby feels bigger and bigger as time goes on. And I often feel as though, maybe I don't want a baby. Maybe we aren't meant to have babies. Maybe we are better off without them. Maybe that's why we have lost all 3 babies. It is the hardest thing to admit and to come to terms with.
Since the age of 15 I have always wanted kids. I waited until I found the right man. Waited until we were married. Waited until he was ready. Then it went to shit. Three times.
But the thought of never having kids scares the shit out of me too. I can't imagine never being pregnant again. Never having a bump. Never having scans and hearing the heartbeat. Never giving birth, deciding on a name, watching them grow, laugh, cry, develop their own personalities and go through life. I can't imagine never having any of that. And that's why I want to carry on trying. Because surely at some point our luck is going to change.
We will experience all of these amazing moments and we will cherish our baby like no other. We will be so grateful for a healthy & happy baby. We won't take anything for granted and they will be the most amazing little miracle ever.
Is time running out?
I am already 32 which means that my time is running out. Even though I'm not 40 or 50 yet, I still have a major disadvantage being that we have a 1 in 4 chance of needing an abortion again. And with that means time to grieve, time to repair our broken hearts, time to talk and then time to plan again.
I know that Jeremie is in less of a rush than me, but he could have babies up until the day he dies. There is no biological clock for men. No time pressure or need to hurry things along. But for me there is. I need to decide if we try again soon, or is it better to wait a year or 2. But then if we wait a year or 2, will it be too late.
I already have enough to worry about with getting pregnant, miscarriages and abortions but I also have the added worry of early or premature menopause. Still births. Infant death etc. I know all too well that being 6 months pregnant doesn't guarantee a baby.
My mental health
It's a strange subject to talk about because I don't really know where I am with it all.
With the first pregnancy, I was super excited and didn't even question having a miscarriage or having any problems. But only a couple of days after finding out we were pregnant, I had a miscarriage.
With the second pregnancy, I didn't let myself get excited for the first 3 months, until the risk of miscarriage was less. But it meant then that I hadn't felt attached to the baby. I wasn't bonding. I was just trying to ignore the fact that I was pregnant, incase I lost it again. So I spent the first 3 months pretending I wasn't pregnant, then the next 3 months getting my head around the fact that I was pregnant and letting myself get excited, to have to have an abortion at 26 weeks.
Then with this recent pregnancy, I wanted to savour anything and everything. I told family and close friends. I took photographs of the pregnancy test and photos every week to capture the progress. I was writing down names, planning our future and getting way too excited.
So with all that being said, I think that next time I get pregnant, I will have to act like I did with the second baby. Try to ignore it. Don't get excited. Don't plan for anything. It won't make it easy but it might leave me a fraction less broken hearted.
I guess the conclusion of this little blog post is that I want to continue to try for a baby. Whether it will happen right away or in a couple of years I have no idea. We will see what happens and hope for the best outcome if we do become pregnant! But with that being said, I also want to tread carefully and not get too excited about anything. So stay tuned! Maybe my next Lifestyle blog post will be all about our pregnancy, or maybe it won't! Who knows!